Exhaustion to the Max

People don't tell you how utterly exhausting this whole process is from start to finish. I am sitting here at work utterly exhausted to the point where it is hard for me to concentrate on what I am actually supposed to be doing. Cam seems to think that its a symptom that I'm pregnant, and that very well could be true. But for me I think its the fact that I have yet to have a good night sleep in over 2 weeks. With all the hormones and the big question of whether or not I will get pregnant hanging over my head, I also have the added stress of wanting to move as soon as possible, and the fact that we haven't found a place yet is a huge weight on me right now.

I almost feel like I want my life to move forward and right now its at a standstill and I hate it. I feel like I'm stuck in rut and I can't get out and I don't know how to fix it. I need a change and fast, but apparently life has other plans, and it being winter and super crappy outside does not help my mood at all, so right now its still a waiting game for me.

In other news Cam and I got to see our nephew Matthew this weekend. He is so adorable and he is such a great baby. But I have to say that the highlight for me was when Cam held him for the first time. It melted my heart. I have never seen him with a baby before so this was like a glimpse into our future, and I loved it. It was hard for me at first because I saw that little guy in Cams arms and I wanted it to be our kid. I saw that image that day and I wanted it more than I ever did before, and it was really hard for me. I almost cried watching him feed Matthew but thankfully I held it together.

After that night Cam has been in baby fever, he wants one now more
than ever and I love that he is so excited about it, but at the same time its hard for me to hear because now I feel like there is more pressure on me to deliver this life we both want. I know its not intentional on his part and I know that most of this weight is from myself and not Cam, but its really hard to stop blaming yourself. And its becoming harder and harder to stop thinking about everything that's going on in my life right now, hence the lack of sleep I'm getting.

Hopefully these next few weeks aren't as bad because I might pass out from exhaustion!

Until next time,

~Siobhan~

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