My Fertility Journey (So Far)
I have debated for weeks whether or not I wanted to make this blog. I have blogged before, but never about something so personal, and so close to me. I want to preface this by saying that yes, I know I am young and yes, I know what is happening to me has happened to many other woman around the world. But to me, this experience has changed me and is something that hurts so bad sometimes that I wonder if what I want will ever happen. But by talking about what I am going through I hope to help at least one other person know that they are not alone.
I have wanted to be a mother since, well since forever. There was never a time in my life where I didn't see myself with at least one kid, so when I met my husband Cam and we began to plan our life together, naturally I thought that future would involves children, many I hoped. What I didn't bargain for was the speed bump I am on right now.
Cam and I have been married for almost 2 years, together for 6 and so a year after we got married we decided that we wanted to start trying to have kids. Naively I thought this would be easy peasy. I spent my life watching rom-coms and reading romance novels so I thought getting pregnant was simple, especially since no one in my family has ever had an issue conceiving. But alas, I guess I am the first one. As of right now we have been trying to conceive for 10 months, and to most people that doesn't seem like that long but to me it seems like forever. I have this picture in my head of a baby that looks like a combination of Cam and I, and I want that child more than i want anything in this world, and for some reason I can't attain that dream.
I guess I should start from the beginning of this fertility journey, and that starts with going off the pill after 5 years. This was something that I never took into account when trying to get pregnant; what going off the pill would do to my body. I did not get my period for over 5 months. Although a VERY nice reprieve from mother nature, it was extremely frustrating. I wanted to get pregnant, but that's kind of hard when your parts aren't working the way they are supposed to. So there began a very long process that I do not wish upon anyone. As much as I love having the health care we have here in Canada, god help me they are slow. I went for bloodwork, ultrasounds and even more bloodwork, and it took week after week for them to get back to me, saying they found cysts on my ovaries. Apparently this is quite common but for me this was horrible news. In my mind, at the time this meant there was a possibility that I couldn't have kids, and that devastated me, But once I got over the shock of the news, I talked with my family and apparently not only did my mother have the same thing, but apparently it is genetic (thanks mom!).
After a few weeks of back and forth with my doctor they finally referred me to a fertility clinic because I had yet to have a proper period, it had now been over 6 months. And I want to say this before I get into anything else, the men and woman that work at these fertility clinics are godsends, seriously, the last month has been so stressful for me that I could not have handled it without them answering horribly stupid questions almost every other day :)
So then began the second part of this journey. I got referred to The Reproductive Care Center in Mississauga and I will be honest, I felt so out of place when I first went in there. I am only 26 years old, and I still had so much time before things got serious but I knew in my gut that I needed to do this. I want that family that I dream about and I can't do that without trying every avenue, even if there is no need for all of them.
My first appointment was a get-to-know-you type of thing where they explained the process. Seriously though, the info they bombard you with is kind of insane. I remember leaving the office and looking at Cam and saying "do you remember ANY of that?" because it was like my brain was overloaded with everything that we needed to do. And there was a lot.
Over the past month I have had around 8 ultrasounds, which each is preceded by bloodwork, and I have also had 3 other bloodwork screenings done outside of those above. To say that my arms looks like I shoot Heroine as a hobby is an understatement. But one of the Ultrasounds that I had to get done will haunt me for a long time. It was a contrast ultrasound where they shoot a liquid into your cervix to make sure that your Fallopian tubes are open and that there is nothing abnormal about the uterus itself. But for me it was extremely painful. Apparently my cervix is higher than normal so the doctor had some trouble performing the actual test. Lets just say that after that test it felt like I was punched in the stomach by the Hulk. Thank god they said nothing physical was wrong with my parts, because to be very serious I was worried that they would tell me that there was something physically wrong that was preventing me from getting pregnant. But apparently it is just hormonal, which although frustrating, is easier to deal with.
So where does that leave me right now? Well I am at the latter end of this cycles round of tests and let me tell you, I really hope that I get pregnant soon because I do not know how much longer I can take getting poked and prodded. As of today, the doctors think that I ovulated, thanks to some handy drugs, but they were worried about my progesterone levels so they gave me a nice little shot called HCG, which is delivered in the hip (not fun) that is supposed to trigger ovulation and help with those levels that are quite low. So right now its a waiting game.
Why am I writing this blog? Well fertility issues are something very personal and very solitary. Yes my husband is there with me through every test, and every ultrasound, but i am the only one actually going through it. It is me who can't seem to give us the kids we desperately want, and to be honest it kills me that I can't give him the family we want so badly. And since I don't have a diary I thought venting out all my issues and feelings that go along with fertility treatments might not only help me, but maybe someone else that is dealing with something like this.
So I guess that is it for today. I go back for another round of bloodwork and an ultrasound on Thursday so I will be back then!
~Siobhan~
I have wanted to be a mother since, well since forever. There was never a time in my life where I didn't see myself with at least one kid, so when I met my husband Cam and we began to plan our life together, naturally I thought that future would involves children, many I hoped. What I didn't bargain for was the speed bump I am on right now.
I guess I should start from the beginning of this fertility journey, and that starts with going off the pill after 5 years. This was something that I never took into account when trying to get pregnant; what going off the pill would do to my body. I did not get my period for over 5 months. Although a VERY nice reprieve from mother nature, it was extremely frustrating. I wanted to get pregnant, but that's kind of hard when your parts aren't working the way they are supposed to. So there began a very long process that I do not wish upon anyone. As much as I love having the health care we have here in Canada, god help me they are slow. I went for bloodwork, ultrasounds and even more bloodwork, and it took week after week for them to get back to me, saying they found cysts on my ovaries. Apparently this is quite common but for me this was horrible news. In my mind, at the time this meant there was a possibility that I couldn't have kids, and that devastated me, But once I got over the shock of the news, I talked with my family and apparently not only did my mother have the same thing, but apparently it is genetic (thanks mom!).
After a few weeks of back and forth with my doctor they finally referred me to a fertility clinic because I had yet to have a proper period, it had now been over 6 months. And I want to say this before I get into anything else, the men and woman that work at these fertility clinics are godsends, seriously, the last month has been so stressful for me that I could not have handled it without them answering horribly stupid questions almost every other day :)
So then began the second part of this journey. I got referred to The Reproductive Care Center in Mississauga and I will be honest, I felt so out of place when I first went in there. I am only 26 years old, and I still had so much time before things got serious but I knew in my gut that I needed to do this. I want that family that I dream about and I can't do that without trying every avenue, even if there is no need for all of them.
My first appointment was a get-to-know-you type of thing where they explained the process. Seriously though, the info they bombard you with is kind of insane. I remember leaving the office and looking at Cam and saying "do you remember ANY of that?" because it was like my brain was overloaded with everything that we needed to do. And there was a lot.
Over the past month I have had around 8 ultrasounds, which each is preceded by bloodwork, and I have also had 3 other bloodwork screenings done outside of those above. To say that my arms looks like I shoot Heroine as a hobby is an understatement. But one of the Ultrasounds that I had to get done will haunt me for a long time. It was a contrast ultrasound where they shoot a liquid into your cervix to make sure that your Fallopian tubes are open and that there is nothing abnormal about the uterus itself. But for me it was extremely painful. Apparently my cervix is higher than normal so the doctor had some trouble performing the actual test. Lets just say that after that test it felt like I was punched in the stomach by the Hulk. Thank god they said nothing physical was wrong with my parts, because to be very serious I was worried that they would tell me that there was something physically wrong that was preventing me from getting pregnant. But apparently it is just hormonal, which although frustrating, is easier to deal with.
So where does that leave me right now? Well I am at the latter end of this cycles round of tests and let me tell you, I really hope that I get pregnant soon because I do not know how much longer I can take getting poked and prodded. As of today, the doctors think that I ovulated, thanks to some handy drugs, but they were worried about my progesterone levels so they gave me a nice little shot called HCG, which is delivered in the hip (not fun) that is supposed to trigger ovulation and help with those levels that are quite low. So right now its a waiting game.
Why am I writing this blog? Well fertility issues are something very personal and very solitary. Yes my husband is there with me through every test, and every ultrasound, but i am the only one actually going through it. It is me who can't seem to give us the kids we desperately want, and to be honest it kills me that I can't give him the family we want so badly. And since I don't have a diary I thought venting out all my issues and feelings that go along with fertility treatments might not only help me, but maybe someone else that is dealing with something like this.
So I guess that is it for today. I go back for another round of bloodwork and an ultrasound on Thursday so I will be back then!
~Siobhan~
Siobhan,
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain, it took us almost two years to have Sybil, and we went through a number of tests and fertility ups and downs. I came out of remission, got shingles twice and put on an enormous amount of weight from steroids. I also had the contrast dye test and it was so painful they didn't even complete it!
You are not alone, in fact you are in rather good company and I think sharing your unhappiness and frustration is a really great idea. It helps to get you through the worst of it.
I hope your bundle of joy comes soon, so you can start complaining about the next stage, morning sickness and the many indignities of pregnancy ;)