Quitting
It's days like today that makes me want to quit sometimes. I am overwhelmed with appointments, bloodwork and ultrasounds. I feel like I don't have a life anymore because all I do is get tests done and wait for the green light when I finally ovulate. I am frustrated and cranky and I know I am driving those around me nuts, but I am having more bad days then good days right now. Its like, every time I go to the clinic its bad news. These last few days have been the cherry on the proverbial shit cake,
I have been on Clomid, a medication designed to help me ovulate, because apparently my body doesn't want to do this on its own. I have been taking it for 3 cycles now, I am on my 4th as of today. I am supposed to take 2 pills a night for 5 nights and then after a few days it should begin to work. So this time I thought it would work the same as the other months....but no. It has to go and stop working. This was a nail in my coffin so to speak. I have been worried that my body would stop responding to this medication, and apparently it has. The doctor didn't seem too worried, but that doesn't stop my mind from going in ten different direction. I am now on my second dosage this month of clomid, they are now making me take 3 pills a night for 5 nights. I went back today to see if there was any follicle growth, and nope, nothing. In the back of my mind I wonder if taking all these pills is really that good for me, and trust me when I say that I've heard this exact same thing from many people in my life. And I want to put it out there that yes I think about it, but please don't bring it up. If I had any other option I would take it. If there was a way for my body to work properly on its own, I would do it. But as for right now the medication is all I have.
So now I have to go back on Friday to see if this works, and if not then who the hell knows what they are going to do. Then to add to the stress of this fertility stuff, I have another doctors appointment for something unrelated to fertility and i'm worried it will effect the baby making process, because the last time I had this it was torture and I really don't want to relive that pain again. I know i'm being vague here, but I really don't want to broadcast specifically whats happening. But it is adding to my stress level and I just want a month where everything is fine and there are complications...
At this point I want to give up. I want my life back. I want to go a month where I have no ultrasounds or bloodwork taken...but then i think, I really want a kid. So I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I am so frustrated and beaten down that sometimes I just want to breakdown and cry. I have had a few of those days over the past few weeks, but for some reason today is worse. I am hoping to get some good news on Friday, if I don't then I have some serious thinking to do on what happens next.
Wish me luck!
~Siobhan~
I have been on Clomid, a medication designed to help me ovulate, because apparently my body doesn't want to do this on its own. I have been taking it for 3 cycles now, I am on my 4th as of today. I am supposed to take 2 pills a night for 5 nights and then after a few days it should begin to work. So this time I thought it would work the same as the other months....but no. It has to go and stop working. This was a nail in my coffin so to speak. I have been worried that my body would stop responding to this medication, and apparently it has. The doctor didn't seem too worried, but that doesn't stop my mind from going in ten different direction. I am now on my second dosage this month of clomid, they are now making me take 3 pills a night for 5 nights. I went back today to see if there was any follicle growth, and nope, nothing. In the back of my mind I wonder if taking all these pills is really that good for me, and trust me when I say that I've heard this exact same thing from many people in my life. And I want to put it out there that yes I think about it, but please don't bring it up. If I had any other option I would take it. If there was a way for my body to work properly on its own, I would do it. But as for right now the medication is all I have.
So now I have to go back on Friday to see if this works, and if not then who the hell knows what they are going to do. Then to add to the stress of this fertility stuff, I have another doctors appointment for something unrelated to fertility and i'm worried it will effect the baby making process, because the last time I had this it was torture and I really don't want to relive that pain again. I know i'm being vague here, but I really don't want to broadcast specifically whats happening. But it is adding to my stress level and I just want a month where everything is fine and there are complications...
At this point I want to give up. I want my life back. I want to go a month where I have no ultrasounds or bloodwork taken...but then i think, I really want a kid. So I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I am so frustrated and beaten down that sometimes I just want to breakdown and cry. I have had a few of those days over the past few weeks, but for some reason today is worse. I am hoping to get some good news on Friday, if I don't then I have some serious thinking to do on what happens next.
Wish me luck!
~Siobhan~
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