Mini Miracles

It's days like today that makes me want to quit sometimes. I am overwhelmed with appointments, bloodwork and ultrasounds. I feel like I don't have a life anymore because all I do is get tests done and wait for the green light when I finally ovulate. I am frustrated and cranky and I know I am driving those around me nuts, but I am having more bad days then good days right now. Its like, every time I go to the clinic its bad news. These last few days have been the cherry on the proverbial shit cake, I have been on Clomid, a medication designed to help me ovulate, because apparently my body doesn't want to do this on its own. I have been taking it for 3 cycles now, I am on my 4th as of today. I am supposed to take 2 pills a night for 5 nights and then after a few days it should begin to work. So this time I thought it would work the same as the other months....but no. It has to go and stop working. This was a nail in my coffin so to speak. I have been worried that my body wo...

Going through fertility treatments is difficult, not only on your body on your mind as well. And there are some things that you just shouldn't say to someone who is struggling to get pregnant. Since Cam and I have been trying for a while now, people have a need to comment on our struggle, which is totally fine with me. I love the support and knowing people are rooting for us makes this process a lot easier in some ways. But there are two phrases in particular that drive me up the wall; "stay positive," and "it will happen when you stop thinking about it so much." Now, I know that people don't mean to say these things to piss me off, but most of the time it does. Even last night when I had a breakdown moment where everything just seemed like shit, Cam told me to stay positive, even though he knows that I hate it. In that moment it made me laugh because he is my husband and he has seen all the medications, all the shots and been to all the appointments with ...

Today was a hard day. I found out that this round of treatment didn't work, and that in itself made my day go from good to bad in a matter of seconds, but then I remembered that I am going to have to do the whole process over again and honestly it just makes me sad and a bit anxious. I know it was naïve to go into this treatment thinking it would work right away, and to be honest I think I knew it wouldn't work this fast but after going through all the ultrasounds, blood work and appointments I was hoping that by some miracle I wouldn't have to do it all over again. But here I am about to start this whole process over again. So far I know that there is nothing physically wrong with my reproductive organs, so that rules them out as to why I can't seem to get pregnant. So it must be hormonal I guess, but until I have my meeting with the doctor next week, I wont know exactly what the issue is. And for me that is extremely frustrating. Right now my next cycle has starte...

People don't tell you how utterly exhausting this whole process is from start to finish. I am sitting here at work utterly exhausted to the point where it is hard for me to concentrate on what I am actually supposed to be doing. Cam seems to think that its a symptom that I'm pregnant, and that very well could be true. But for me I think its the fact that I have yet to have a good night sleep in over 2 weeks. With all the hormones and the big question of whether or not I will get pregnant hanging over my head, I also have the added stress of wanting to move as soon as possible, and the fact that we haven't found a place yet is a huge weight on me right now. I almost feel like I want my life to move forward and right now its at a standstill and I hate it. I feel like I'm stuck in rut and I can't get out and I don't know how to fix it. I need a change and fast, but apparently life has other plans, and it being winter and super crappy outside does not help my mood...

I hate hormones. They invade your life and screw with it just for the hell of it. I'm usually really good around the time when they start to creep up on me, at least I think i'm pretty good. Maybe we should ask my husband because I feel like he would have a very different answer ;) Today I found myself extremely emotional and I honestly wasn't expecting it. I seem to go from happy to extremely frustrated in the blink of an eye and to be honest, it's exhausting. Like for example, today I was looking up apartments to rent for Cam and I, and I found some that looked very promising; specious and enough bedrooms to house the little one we hope will come soon. I was so excited that I found something that not only fit our budget but actually looked nice as well. But then I called to see when we could come and see the apartment. Now here lies the problem: Cam works on weekends. I have a regular "9-5" job but Cam is in car sales, so he works odd hours and that includ...

So I was reading an article last night about the dreaded two week wait when going through fertility treatments. This is the point in the process where you have ovulated and are just waiting to see if you are in fact pregnant. I hate this time period. I went through it right after Christmas when I was positive I was pregnant (but in fact I wasn't) and it is the longest 14 days ever. For someone who has zero patience most of the time, these 14 days seem like they go on forever. The article went on about what you should do to help your body along; eating healthy, exercising and trying not to stress yourself out too much. All of these things I am doing on a daily basis anyway, but what it also said was have a positive attitude. They said to imagine yourself pregnant during these 2 weeks and it will somehow help. I am a little skeptical of this, for many reasons. But the main reason why I don't like this idea is the letdown. If I do in fact tell myself I'm pregnant and then f...

I have debated for weeks whether or not I wanted to make this blog. I have blogged before, but never about something so personal, and so close to me. I want to preface this by saying that yes, I know I am young and yes, I know what is happening to me has happened to many other woman around the world. But to me, this experience has changed me and is something that hurts so bad sometimes that I wonder if what I want will ever happen. But by talking about what I am going through I hope to help at least one other person know that they are not alone. I have wanted to be a mother since, well since forever. There was never a time in my life where I didn't see myself with at least one kid, so when I met my husband Cam and we began to plan our life together, naturally I thought that future would involves children, many I hoped. What I didn't bargain for was the speed bump I am on right now. Cam and I have been married for almost 2 years, together for 6 and so a year after we got m...