I Wish...

Sometimes I wish that I didn't care so much, I wish that what's happening to me wasn't that big a deal, and sometimes I just wish that I wouldn't be so disappointed every month when it doesn't happen. What makes it so hard for me is being surrounded by images of motherhood. I don't think people realize how many advertisements, images and posts about babies, kids or even motherhood there are. Just think about it for a minute, you are watching TV and you see a commercial for Pampers. Normally you wouldn't think anything of it, its just a commercial about diapers. But for someone going through fertility its a remainder of what you don't have. Every time I watch one of those commercials I see a baby and I wish that I wasn't having such a hard time conceiving. And they are everywhere; TV commercials, ads for baby clothes, baby toys, maternity clothes, strollers etc. Its everywhere and it honestly sounds dramatic when I say it out loud, but its the truth. All of these things remind me what I can't have right now and it sucks.

Then there's facebook where I see some of my friends posting baby announcements, baby pictures or updates on their kids, and I love seeing them and I am so happy for them that they are so happy. But sometimes it can be too much for me, so I stay off facebook in hopes of not being reminded of what I'm going through. Sometimes it feels like I'm overreacting because I know the people around me are sick of hearing about it, and I feel bad that its all I think about sometimes, but then there are days where I don't give a shit. There are days where I just cry because I need to let out the emotions I keep inside, and really the only people that really know what I'm going through are my husband and my mom. They feel the brunt of my anger and sadness, and I know they feel it too, which can sometimes make me feel worse because I feel like I'm letting them down. But I know deep down that it isn't them that feel let down, its me. I feel like I'm letting myself down and have no idea how to fix it.

Some months are better than others, this month was going really well for the most part. I stopped going to the clinic to give myself a break from the appointments but I stayed on the meds. I ovulated on my own which I was really happy about, and I felt really good going into today. And then mother nature decided to rear her ugly head and show up a few days late, which just messed with my mind and got my hopes up. Now I'm back to square one, deciding to take another month off, this time with no meds and hope that makes a difference. Or maybe I will start from scratch again next month with the clinic. I have no idea. All I know is that I am sick and tired of caring so much, I am sick of feeling guilty, sad and angry all the time. Sometimes I think a need a miracle, and even though I am no religious in any way, I pray for it, because I'm at my limit and honestly don't know what else to do.

Until next time,

~Siobhan~

Comments

  1. UnknownJune 17, 2016 at 6:08 AM

    I cant imagine how frustrating all of this is for you. Thinking of you xox
    -Alisha

    ReplyDelete

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