Does it get any easier?
I find myself wondering if this ever gets any easier. Will I always feel a pit in my stomach seeing someone I know announce they're pregnant? Will I always have this irrational fear that someone I'm close with will get pregnant before me?
I hate that feeling. I think many women who go through fertility treatments for an extended period of time will attest to this. That feeling of utter jealousy is not an emotion I ever want to feel towards someone I know. It's an emotion that causes other emotions to gain access to my brain, like anger, sadness, and envy. I hate all of those emotions when it comes to seeing pregnancy announcements because I am so happy for them, I love that they are able to grow their family and bring a child into this world. I just wish it would happen to me.
I've been told to stay off social media, "just don't pay attention to it," but in reality, it's everywhere. You don't notice all the subtle things you see during the day that might remind you of having a family. Commercials, family pictures, billboards, shopping malls. All of these things remind me of something I don't have yet. And that's the hardest part, blocking out the noise.
Its been three years since I started this journey, and it has seriously become harder and harder the longer it goes on. I've made strides to make my health the best it can be. I've lost 60lbs over the last eight months and I've seen some amazing progress in my health and to my fertility as well. I just hope it continues. There are moments where I look at my cycle and see I'm finally ovulating on my own and I am so happy that it's finally coming back to normal. Then there are days where I wonder when it's all going to stop. I wonder if I have a ticking clock inside me, and if I don't get pregnant within a certain time frame my body will go back to the way it was. I know that's irrational, but its a fear I live every month when I chart my cycle. I always wonder if this is the month where everything goes to shit. And I can't stop those feeling from creeping into my head. No matter how many people tell me that everything that's happening is a good thing.
What I need to remember is that this journey is happening for a reason. I don't know what the reason is yet, and so help me if I don't find out soon I might go insane. But I'm happy with who I've become because of it. I think I'm stronger now than I've ever been, I'm more determined than ever and I realize that the life I'm living right now, with my husband, is a damn good one. I need to remember that on the bad days. My life is good.
Siobhan
I hate that feeling. I think many women who go through fertility treatments for an extended period of time will attest to this. That feeling of utter jealousy is not an emotion I ever want to feel towards someone I know. It's an emotion that causes other emotions to gain access to my brain, like anger, sadness, and envy. I hate all of those emotions when it comes to seeing pregnancy announcements because I am so happy for them, I love that they are able to grow their family and bring a child into this world. I just wish it would happen to me.
I've been told to stay off social media, "just don't pay attention to it," but in reality, it's everywhere. You don't notice all the subtle things you see during the day that might remind you of having a family. Commercials, family pictures, billboards, shopping malls. All of these things remind me of something I don't have yet. And that's the hardest part, blocking out the noise.
Its been three years since I started this journey, and it has seriously become harder and harder the longer it goes on. I've made strides to make my health the best it can be. I've lost 60lbs over the last eight months and I've seen some amazing progress in my health and to my fertility as well. I just hope it continues. There are moments where I look at my cycle and see I'm finally ovulating on my own and I am so happy that it's finally coming back to normal. Then there are days where I wonder when it's all going to stop. I wonder if I have a ticking clock inside me, and if I don't get pregnant within a certain time frame my body will go back to the way it was. I know that's irrational, but its a fear I live every month when I chart my cycle. I always wonder if this is the month where everything goes to shit. And I can't stop those feeling from creeping into my head. No matter how many people tell me that everything that's happening is a good thing.
What I need to remember is that this journey is happening for a reason. I don't know what the reason is yet, and so help me if I don't find out soon I might go insane. But I'm happy with who I've become because of it. I think I'm stronger now than I've ever been, I'm more determined than ever and I realize that the life I'm living right now, with my husband, is a damn good one. I need to remember that on the bad days. My life is good.
Siobhan
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