Setback #1

Today as a frustrating day. I went into the last few month with a beacon of hope and now it seems to have dimmed. 

I have been on Metformin for 6 months, I have lost 35lbs, I started eating healthy (ie no dairy or sugar) and still nothing has changed. My doctor called me this morning and told me that I am still not ovulating which makes it impossible to get pregnant. Which is my end goal here, right? but as of today, that goal seems further away. He told me that the pills should have worked by now and that we need to think about other alternatives. 

I feel hollow. I honestly feel like giving up.I know I won't because this is something I have wanted and have tried to achieve for three years, but sometimes I just think its too hard, its too much pressure and that I'm better off just letting nature takes its course. 

At this point have two options:

1. take Clomid which is a drug that helps me ovulate. I can only take it for 6 months at a time before my body rejects it. or 

2. Go back to the fertility clinic. 

Obviously I am choosing the first option right now because that's the less invasive method, but honestly, I've taken Clomid before and I don't think it will work as well as some might think. But the idea of going back to an appointment every 3 days at the clinic gives me a panic attack, but if this doesn't work I have no choice. Unless I give up and just resign myself to the fact that I won't be able to have my own children, which makes me break down every time I think about it. The idea that I might not be able to have my own children scares the crap out of me. And even thinking about sets me on edge. 

I know I will go back to the clinic because I want to have my own kids, and even if that means spending all my waking hours dealing with the emotions, the pain and the drugs then I will do it. Because there is no other option. 

But today...today is a bad day. Today I see no light at the end of the tunnel. It might appear over the next few months but right now I see nothing but darkness and honestly, it sucks. It sucks so much that the one thing I want more than anything is becoming a distant dream, one that I can see but can't achieve. 

I hope that over the next few months my outlook changes and I see improvement. I hope that by this time next year my dreams have come true. But right now I need a big glass of wine and maybe some cheesecake to make it through today.