Guilt
I can't believe its been almost 2 years since Cam and I started trying to have a baby. It seems like the time has flown by, but it also feels like we have been on this journey forever. Over the past 700 some odd days we have had good days, and some really bad ones as well. I will admit that the last few months have been more bad than good on my part. Cam has tried to make me feel better as best he can, but really what can he do? Every month the one thing I want doesn't happen, and Cam being the amazing man he is, wants to give it to me, but doesn't have that power. God, sometimes I wish that he could just buy it for me and that would be that, but unfortunately we have to wait for the universe to grant that gift. There are days where I beg the universe to be on my side for once, then there are days where I tell it to fuck off because I'm sick of the roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I wish that I didn't want this so bad, because then maybe I wouldn't live in envy of every mother I run into, or get a gut wrenching sinking feeling every time I hear about someone I know being pregnant.
What a lot people don't talk about very often is the guilt. I have so some guilt pent up inside of me that sometimes I wonder how I keep it bottled up. There are nights where I will break down, but I rarely talk about the guilt. I think I feel like I'm letting down everyone around me, and I know that's a notion that makes no sense to you, but to me its a real fear. I feel like everyone around me wants Cam and I to be parents as much as we do, and me not being able to deliver is something I struggle with on a daily basis. Guilt can be crippling and there are some days where I have to fake it until I make it. And then there are some days where I can go almost all day without thinking about having a kid, or thinking about the fact that I can't right now. But then there are days where its all I see, and I can't seem to escape it.
With more doctors appointment ahead (can I tell you how I am NOT excited about this?), and more stressing because of something I have no control over, I am hoping our vacation to Mexico will help reset my emotions and help get my mind off all the guilt, at least for a week. At least I hope so, because I need a few days without thinking about the fact that its been 2 years and still there is no discernible progress to be seen. But there is still a sliver of hope...at least there is the potential of hope in the future.
What a lot people don't talk about very often is the guilt. I have so some guilt pent up inside of me that sometimes I wonder how I keep it bottled up. There are nights where I will break down, but I rarely talk about the guilt. I think I feel like I'm letting down everyone around me, and I know that's a notion that makes no sense to you, but to me its a real fear. I feel like everyone around me wants Cam and I to be parents as much as we do, and me not being able to deliver is something I struggle with on a daily basis. Guilt can be crippling and there are some days where I have to fake it until I make it. And then there are some days where I can go almost all day without thinking about having a kid, or thinking about the fact that I can't right now. But then there are days where its all I see, and I can't seem to escape it.
With more doctors appointment ahead (can I tell you how I am NOT excited about this?), and more stressing because of something I have no control over, I am hoping our vacation to Mexico will help reset my emotions and help get my mind off all the guilt, at least for a week. At least I hope so, because I need a few days without thinking about the fact that its been 2 years and still there is no discernible progress to be seen. But there is still a sliver of hope...at least there is the potential of hope in the future.
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